Heldana
BdW-Community
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have intimacy? The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
-----------------------------------
He was known for hardly ever attending church, so the next time the pastor saw him, he told him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
Answered he: "I am already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Asked the pastor: "So how come I never see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back: "I am in the Secret Service."
---------------------------------
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it
over, as he hadn't been there in a while.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator!"
Old men can still think fast.
------------------------------------------------
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed -- "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Foy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
------------------------------------------
Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.
He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill" answered the son.
I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one and I'll leave the money under your pillow."
The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you a pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
------------------------------------------------
A man walked out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A street cop on his beat sees the guy and approaches him. "Can I help you, sir?" said the cop.
"Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replied.
The policeman asked, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?"
"It wassss at the end of thisss key." the man replied.
About that time, the officer looked down to see that the man's "thing" was hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asked the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looked down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "Oh, God. They got my girlfriend too!"
---------------------------------------------------
A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter.
She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter.
The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a
pilot for small planes, and he could instruct her via radio. So up the
blonde went.
She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000
feet.
The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going
smoothly.
At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top
of some trees and crash landed in the woods.
The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was
okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.
"What happened?" the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you
reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"
"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan."*
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have intimacy? The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
-----------------------------------
He was known for hardly ever attending church, so the next time the pastor saw him, he told him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
Answered he: "I am already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Asked the pastor: "So how come I never see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back: "I am in the Secret Service."
---------------------------------
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it
over, as he hadn't been there in a while.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator!"
Old men can still think fast.
------------------------------------------------
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed -- "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Foy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
------------------------------------------
Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.
He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill" answered the son.
I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one and I'll leave the money under your pillow."
The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you a pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
------------------------------------------------
A man walked out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A street cop on his beat sees the guy and approaches him. "Can I help you, sir?" said the cop.
"Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replied.
The policeman asked, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?"
"It wassss at the end of thisss key." the man replied.
About that time, the officer looked down to see that the man's "thing" was hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asked the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looked down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "Oh, God. They got my girlfriend too!"
---------------------------------------------------
A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter.
She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter.
The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a
pilot for small planes, and he could instruct her via radio. So up the
blonde went.
She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000
feet.
The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going
smoothly.
At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top
of some trees and crash landed in the woods.
The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was
okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.
"What happened?" the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you
reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"
"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan."*
